When we last heard about Penn State professor Themis Matsoukas, he had been charged with open lewdness, indecent exposure, sexual intercourse with an animal, animal cruelty and disorderly conduct after being caught allegedly engaging in bestiality in a Pennsylvania state forest after being identified by his car. While he wore a mask that hid his identity, police were able to track him down because he forgot to obscure the license plate on his Subaru Forester. Now, the New York Post reports he faces new charges, and oh god, turn back now.
Trust me. You really, really do not want to know the details. It’s not too late to go read literally anything else. Here’s a fun one that I wrote recently. Go read that one instead. If reading this post ruins your lunch, that is on you. You’re the one who decided to ignore my repeated warnings.
Following Matsoukas’s arrest for the bestiality, police reportedly seized his electronic devices and found 55 videos of him engaging in other indecent acts. Because if you’re going to do public indecency and worse, it definitely makes sense to record what you’re doing to make sure the police have plenty of evidence once you get caught. Then again, maybe the man who allegedly engaged in multiple sex acts with his dog in a public park isn’t the best at critical thinking.
The videos reportedly show Matsoukas naked except for a ski mask, cranking his hog “on a picnic table, in a lake at the park and on Pennsylvania Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (DCNR) vehicles.” The alleged bestiality is obviously much worse, but come on man. Are you really going to make me tap the sign again? We do not fuck the cars. Matsoukas was also seen climbing a tree naked and sticking a tree branch up his ass, as well as a Tootsie Pop and, I can’t believe I’m actually typing this, the control handle of a DCNR John Deere crawler.
It isn’t clear from the report whether those are all separate incidents or if he shoved all three in there at the same time, but they have to be separate, right? I would never claim to be an expert on butt stuff, but there’s only so much room in one man’s prison wallet, right?
Additionally, Matsoukas is accused of shitting in public areas and smearing bodily fluids on a glass table. He has since been charged with “two felony counts each of burglary and criminal trespass, six misdemeanor counts of indecent exposure, two misdemeanor counts of open lewdness, two misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct, and six summary counts of disorderly conduct for obscene gestures.”
