Despite driving like they don’t fear death, rally drivers are still human — and yesterday 2019 World Rally Champion Ott Tänak had a humbling reminder of this mortality during his first stage in Rally Sweden when his anatomy had a disagreement with his racing harness. When screaming through Swedish back roads in a rally car, the last thing you want distracting you is the kick in the pants feeling when you squish one of your family jewels.
It’s not even stone fruit season yet, but that didn’t stop this poor 36-year-old man’s harness from trying to harvest his plums. Tänak currently races for Hyundai Motorsport in a Hyundai i20 N, and he is a consistent front runner in the WRC series. Tänak faced anti-lag system issues in his i20 N in the prior circuit in Monte Carlo, so he was pushing hard to make a statement in Sweden when his manhood was truly put to the testis. In a post-race interview, Tänak said it was a clean stage, but remarked that in the first corner “my nut got caught on the other side of the belt, so it was a bit painful.” Ouch.
The Rally Sweden circuit takes place through Sunday, and drivers are facing freezing temperatures and almost certain snowfall, so you know it’s going to take serious balls to set fast times in these challenging conditions. Despite facing this crushing blow, Tänak ended up tying with Adrian Fourmaux for the fourth-fastest time in the opener of Rally Sweden, 2.1 seconds behind Stage 1 winner Kalle Rovanperrä. The second-place winner of Stage 1 was Takamoto Katsuta, and Elfyn Evans came third place. The three cars that beat Tänak were all Toyotas, the team that he left immediately after winning his world championship title in 2019.
It’s rare that I end up in a car with a racing harness, but the last time I did was for a preview of King of the Hammers where I got thoroughly jostled around and faced a similar harness-versus-nuts smackdown. I asked the driver if he had any tips, and he told me it was a case of trial and error. Honestly, I’d like to survey our testis-toting readers on this: what’s the best way to avoid having your race harness play Hacky Sack with your bean bag? Is it a spandex-only affair that requires things to be ultra secure, or should drivers be wearing a cup to preserve their nads?
