This is how we do it: ‘I told her I no longer ejaculate. She said: “Well, aren’t I lucky?”’ | Sex

Diego, 66

People say sex should be intuitive, but I think to be a good lover you have to put the work in

Chloe and I have been married for nearly three years, but we have separate houses. We are forced to live hundreds of miles away from each another because of our jobs, and I miss her a lot – but the distance is good for our sex life. When you’re together every day, you forget to actually woo your partner. Living separately means we both make a conscious effort to plan romantic gestures.

If Chloe is travelling to see me, I will beautify the whole house for her and lay out candles and massage oils in the bedroom. I try to beautify myself, too: it is not unusual for me to have three showers on the day of Chloe’s arrival.

I also try to make an effort when Chloe and I are in bed together. People say that sex should be intuitive, but I think you can only be a good lover if you put the work in, so I study her reactions very closely. I also regularly ask her whether there’s anything I could be doing differently.

The other day Chloe told me that she would prefer a softer mouth when I go down on her, so I’ve modified my technique. I value that kind of constructive criticism, because in my previous marriage sex happened rarely and was never discussed. I underwent prostate surgery toward the end of that relationship which has left me with occasional dysfunction, but talking about that with my ex was unthinkable.

With Chloe, I was determined that I would talk openly about sex, no matter how vulnerable it made me feel. So I called her before our first proper date to talk to her about my operation. Luckily, she is very loving and affirming: when I told her that while I still orgasm, since the surgery I am no longer able to ejaculate, she just said: “Well, aren’t I a lucky girl?!”

Recently I bought a massage table, so I like to give Chloe a full body rub, then perform cunnilingus before we finish in missionary – by which point we are both on the table. We both have neck problems, so I did originally buy the table for legitimate massages – but that’s not really the way it has panned out.

Chloe, 53

He reassured me that he loved the way I looked and tasted, but it took months before I really believed him

I never enjoyed receiving oral sex before I met Diego. I was married for 32 years and my ex-husband was very clear that he would prefer not to go down on me, which made me feel like there was something wrong with my vulva. On our first night together, Diego reassured me that he loved the way I looked and tasted, but it took months before I really believed him. I thought he was just trying to be nice.

I still struggle a bit with feeling relaxed when he’s kissing me there, so we’ve started experimenting with a new technique. Diego puts on music, and my job is to just lie back and concentrate on the sensations, for at least three songs, without touching him back. It’s helpful knowing there is a finite amount of time, because it makes it easier for me to give myself permission to really experience the pleasure, without feeling pressure to reciprocate immediately.

Recently Diego asked me whether he could improve anything, and I felt comfortable enough to ask him to use less pressure with his tongue. A different man might have taken that as criticism, but Diego seemed genuinely happy to hear what I truly liked.

From the very beginning of our relationship, he has spoken honestly about his own body and insecurities, and that is probably why we are so open with each other. Before we had even officially started dating, he explained to me that an operation on his prostate had left him with occasional problems getting an erection. It happens very rarely and has never fazed me.

Our sex life involves a lot of massage and soft touching – it’s not limited to penetration. We spend hours curled up in bed together, not technically having sex but enjoying skin-on-skin contact.

I sometimes catch myself thinking: is the intensity of our relationship partly down to the fact that we’re not together all the time? It’s easy to get into a “comfortable” rut and put sex off, but that’s not an option for us, because our couple-time is limited. Being married without cohabiting is a little unconventional – but it works for us.

Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?