This is how we do it: ‘I do tend to make a lot of noise during sex. The neighbours must hate me!’ | Life and style

Aoife, 50

The vulnerability I feel with Jude is occasionally a bit terrifying

Jude is very vocal in bed, which I love. I never have to wonder whether or not he’s enjoying himself. For the first few months of our relationship, we only had oral sex, because I had a skin condition which made penetration very painful. But if Jude felt frustrated about what my body couldn’t do, he never let me feel it. When he went down on me, he did it with so much obvious enjoyment and care that he made me feel we weren’t missing out.
From our very first night together, we made an effort to build physical intimacy outside sex. Before we even kissed, I suggested we try eye gazing exercises: essentially, you sit opposite each other without touching, and maintain eye contact for up to 15 minutes. It’s strange how open and vulnerable you can feel with all your clothes on, just looking into a person’s eyes. We can now have full sex, because my condition has healed, but I think we are closer as a result of that period where we couldn’t.

The vulnerability I feel with Jude is occasionally a bit terrifying, because in previous relationships, I have tended to hold a part of myself aloof. This sounds a little immature, seeing as I am a 50-year-old woman, but I still find it difficult to express insecurity or jealousy to my partner. But now, if I feel momentarily threatened by another woman, or unhappy about my body, I push myself to actually talk to Jude about it. In previous relationships, I would have simply pulled away.

Jude is my opposite in that he is so unguarded. We’ve been together for two years but the sex still feels like fun, because he is so spontaneous when he expresses affection. He finds it almost impossible to dissemble.

Lately we have been experimenting with teasing each other a bit more, and while I am very good at kissing Jude’s inner thigh, winding him up a bit and then making him wait, he finds it difficult to be similarly strict with me. I actually find his inability to hold back and delay gratification really sweet. We’re working on it together. He needs to learn to be a little less eager to please me – but only in bed.

Jude, 50

I wasn’t interested in shagging for the sake of it. I was lovestruck

Aoife and I met on Tinder, and our first date was on a beach. I remember seeing this beautiful, blond person appear on the steps by the sea, and feeling giddy. Walking towards her, it was like I had lost control of my limbs. Within two or three minutes of saying hello to Aoife, I had this mad urge to hold her hand. I had to purposefully put my hand in my pocket because I didn’t want to come on too strong.

Aoife couldn’t have penetrative sex at the beginning of our relationship, which was a bit of a curveball, but my main concern was making sure that she wasn’t in pain. The fact that we couldn’t fumble our way to a quick climax actually made being in bed together feel more intimate. I find performing oral sex on Aoife almost more sensual than full sex, anyway.

Once Aoife’s condition healed, we started having penetrative sex, using lots of lubricant. But we still rely on techniques we perfected when penetration was off the agenda. Sex is about our whole bodies: I spend a lot of time kissing Aoife’s other erogenous zones. I tend to get over-excited, while she is better at delaying my gratification.

Part of what I love about sex with Aoife is that I never feel judged if something goes wrong. In my previous relationship, there was a lot of belittlement and embarrassment. But if I ever ejaculate too early, or lose my erection with Aoife, she will simply lie down beside me, and we’ll start talking, and laughing. We’ll get out a vibrator, or I’ll go down on her – and when I’m ready we’ll go again.

I feel so uninhibited with Aoife that I do tend to make quite a lot of noise. There have been moments when we’re having sex and I realise that my window is open. It’s wonderful to feel this free – but I think my neighbours might hate me.