Before jumping into a polycule, Leanna Yau, a polyamory educator, recommends that previously-monogamous couples try polyamory that doesn’t involve cohabitation first. “If you both are open to dating other people, you could say that, at the moment, that your polycule is just yourself and your partner,” Yau says. You and your partner should be able to have consistent partners outside their primary relationship before deciding to create more intimate dynamics within the group.
Jessica and Joe spent nearly a decade experimenting with polyamory before finding a polycule dynamic that worked. Within their group, they spend a lot of time “dialoguing” with each other, as Ash puts it. Joe emphasizes that with more people, there’s just more to consider: more personal habits, preferences, and emotions to respect.
From there, if you and your primary partner are thinking of moving from a parallel polyamory type relationship (where all the relationships exist in parallel without involvement between members of those separate relationships) to a kitchen table-style polyamory, Yau encourages you to be open minded in your approach.
If you have too many rigid ideas about what a polycule “should” look like—for instance, one big happy family “where everyone loves each equally, lives together, and has a baby that they all raise,” Yau says—it will make the process more difficult… and turn it into something of a chore. “This makes it harder to find someone since it’s quite restrictive and it sort of becomes more of a job interview than a request for connection,” Yau says. “The best thing to do is to be flexible and resilient while you look to build your polycule.”
If you are considering opening up your relationship or joining a polycule, know that it takes a lot of work on your part to work through conflict and contribute to the longevity of the relationships. Once in a polycule, you aren’t just in a relationship with your primary or secondary partner. You have an ongoing emotional or platonic relationship with everyone involved. In addition participating in household activities and potentially taking care of children, one has to be prepared to treat all of these relationships in an equitable manner.
As a group, it is vital that all members find time to touch base regularly, not just to do recreational things together but to bring potential issues while creating space for everyone to share and be heard.
And as Ash succinctly puts it: “Being in a polycule with such compassionate, caring, ambitious, and growth-mindset oriented people has helped me to learn how to prioritize my own goals and needs. I have learned that relationships should complement you, not complete you.”
Keep reading:
What It’s Like to Try an Open Marriage After 10 Years of Monogamy
Why Women Like Dirty Talk
What Sex Parties Are Actually Like
