FULL TIME: West Ham United 2-0 Manchester United
West Ham go above Manchester United in the Premier League table after scoring two fine second-half goals.
Key events
Post-match postbag. “Not a West Ham fan but can I say how much I love the Kudus celebration where he sits on the advertising hoarding. It’s so brilliantly nonchalant, really adds to the vibe of a player who just always seems to have more time than anyone else on the pitch” – Myles Nester Harwood
“What a birthday week Jarrod Bowen is having! First he scores a beauty against Liverpool, and now another against Man United. He must have made one heckuva wish when he blew out the candles on his cake” – Peter Oh
“It’s not just the players’ lack of togetherness but Ten Hag never goes up to his players after the match to show any appreciation like Klopp or Guardiola do. The contrast is almost frightening! Where’s the passion or sense of camaraderie?” – Nigel Moore
Mohammed Kudus is in full Santa mode as he speaks to TNT Sports. “As an attacker, that’s what I’m here to do, to put the ball in the net. But most importantly we’ve got the three points and I’m really happy for the fans because this is the last game before Christmas. It’s a perfect gift for them, and we wish them happy Christmas. They’re going to enjoy it after this! This is a gift from us to them!”
As for his already famous goal celebration? “It doesn’t mean anything! I’m just sitting down to take a deep breath. I’m tired!”
It was a dismal first half, but at least one team came to life during the second period. Lucas Paqueta provided two delicious assists to break down a previously stubborn Manchester United defence. They leapfrog Erik ten Hag’s struggling team in the Premier League standings, and it’s a blue xmas for the Red Devils, who lose for the 13th time this season, and have failed to score for a fourth game in a row, something that’s not happened since 1992.
FULL TIME: West Ham United 2-0 Manchester United
West Ham go above Manchester United in the Premier League table after scoring two fine second-half goals.
90 min +5: On the touchline, Erik ten Hag looks thoroughly miserable.
90 min +4: On TNT Sports, Ally McCoist names Lucas Paqueta as his player of the match. Nobody could quibble with the choice. Two magnificent assists.
90 min +3: Kudus is replaced by Johnson. He’s showered with applause as well. The West Ham fans en fête now.
90 min +2: For a few seconds, it appears that they could, as there’s some pinball in the West Ham box. Rashford, his back to goal, tees up Pellistri, but the resulting shot is blocked, and then the flag pops up for offside against Reguilon.
90 min: Ward-Prowse orchestrates some keep-ball. The crowd entertain themselves with a few olés. Pellestri gets fed up and bowls Fornals to the floor. Manchester United extremely frustrated. They’ve got six added minutes to suffer. Or can they use them to turn this around dramatically?
89 min: The applause continues to ring around the ground. Amazing what a couple of fine goals can do, huh?
87 min: West Ham make their first change of the afternoon. The opening goalscorer Bowen makes way for Fornals and receives the ovation he deserves. The London Stadium loves him. It’s as though there are 50,000 Jurgen Klopps in the ground.
85 min: Evans clatters into another challenge, and really wants to watch himself here. “Mainoo has been brilliant today,” writes Felix Wood, “and what he needs after that mistake is his captain going up to him and telling him not to worry, but he was left standing alone for thirty seconds. That’s a disgrace for me, Brian. Fernandes or Rashford have to step up there.”
84 min: Manchester United make a double change, replacing Garnacho and Kambwala – the latter having had a very decent debut – with Eriksen and Reguilon.
82 min: Shaw lets Bowen race off the ball with absurd ease. Manchester United haven’t responded at all. “The body language doesn’t look great to me,” says Ally McCoist on TNT Sports.
81 min: Rashford takes a shot in anger. Miles over the bar. Areola has had very little to do this afternoon. Can Manchester United find something? Anything?
80 min: The London Stadium is rocking now. It took a while, but it’s rocking now. Two stunning goals by West Ham. Manchester United are rocking too, but in a very different way.
GOAL! West Ham United 2-0 Manchester United (Kudus 78)
Well this escalated quickly. Mainoo lets a simple pass roll under his boot in the centre circle. Kudus steals the ball. He one-twos with Paqueta, who delivers another glorious assist, rolling a first-time pass down the middle of the park. Kudus takes a touch to the right to see off Evans, before pivoting and whipping a shot into the bottom left. Another fine goal!
77 min: Bowen crosses from the right. Ward-Prowse battles for the ball at the far post. Pellistri tugs at his shirt. There’s not much in it, but had Ward-Prowse gone down, rather than staying honest, the referee might have had something to think about.
76 min: Evans hooks a leg around Paqueta and brings him down. He’s already on a booking and is fairly lucky the referee’s in a good mood.
75 min: That was such a delicious goal. Bowen started the move by cutting in from the right and feeding Paqueta, who delivered an exquisite return down the channel with the outside of his boot. Bowen got a bit of good fortune in forcing the ball past Onana, who got a hand to the initial shot, but West Ham deserved it for the overall quality of the move. That’s got the London Stadium singing now!
74 min: Manchester United react by replacing Antony with Pellistri. When the match restarts, Paqueta is booked for kicking the ball away after the concession of a garden-variety free kick.
GOAL! West Ham United 1-0 Manchester United (Bowen 72)
“Manchester United look by far the more likely scorers.” Pulitzer, please! Bowen gets on the end of an outside-of-boot shovelled pass down the inside-right channel by Paqueta. Bowen brings the ball down on the right-hand corner of the six-yard box, opens his body, and bundles the ball through Onana and into the corner. Great goal, totally not in keeping with the rest of the match!
70 min: Shaw crosses low from the left. Garnacho is waiting to run the ball in from close range but Zouma hooks clear. The resulting corner leads to a game of pinball before West Ham eventually clear their lines. A few howls of frustration from the home fans, whose heroes are doing very little of note here. Manchester United look by far the more likely scorers, for what that’s worth with the bar so low.
68 min: Mavropanos goes up for a high ball but only manages to nut the back of Mainoo’s head. A sore one. We pause. We restart.
66 min: Manchester United are seeing more of the ball, but they’re doing very little with it. Fernandes attempts to take the initiative by shooting from distance, but the effort’s best left, really. “It’s genuinely quite distressing to see a talent like Kobbie Mainoo at a club as dysfunctional as this,” begins Tom Atkins. “There’s a real danger his talent could be squandered. Maybe he could go on loan to Brighton or something, like a child being sent to an aunt’s for a bit to protect him while his divorcing parents work through their problems.”
64 min: Shaw crosses low from the left. Mavropanos blocks and Garnacho runs the rebound out for a goal kick. On the touchline, both David Moyes and Erik ten Hag have the good grace to look highly irritated at what’s being served up.
62 min: Nothing much going on, so here’s Ian Copestake: “In keeping with your Spinal Tap theme, we used to hear much about heavy-metal football, but these teams are playing this game in D minor.” This could make people weep instantly, that much is true.
60 min: Antony wriggles down the right and nearly gets the better of Soucek … but not quite. He’s bowled over and frowns in the affronted style. He wants a free kick and probably should get one, but the referee waves play on.
58 min: Blimey, Evans nearly scores a ludicrous own goal, fizzing a back-pass to Onana at warp speed. Onana saves his team-mate’s blushes by trapping the ball balletically and deflecting it away from the bottom-right corner it was heading towards. That would have been quite something.
57 min: Hojlund, who has done very little and is still looking for his first Premier League goal, makes way for Rashford.
56 min: Ward-Prowse sends the corner in from the left. Bowen rises highest and powers a header towards the top left. Onana tips over acrobatically. Nothing comes of the next corner. What a header, and a save to match!
55 min: Bowen slips a clever pass down the inside-left channel to release Emerson, whose cutback is deflected out for a corner. For the first time in a wee while, the volume at the London Stadium is turned up to 11. One louder.
53 min: Fernandes continues to chunter at the referee, and is told to zip it by his manager Ten Hag. Dalot’s preposterous dismissal at Anfield still fresh in the mind.
52 min: Paqueta cuts in from the left and is tugged back by Wan-Bissaka, who, considering what’s just happened to Fernandes, can consider himself fortunate not to go into the book. Nothing comes of the resulting free kick.
51 min: Fernandes has a sly tug at Kudus, then goes into the book for complaining about the resulting free kick.
50 min: Mainoo spreads a lovely pass wide left to Shaw, but the full-back can’t find Garnacho in the middle. “Maybe this game is a salient lesson to those of us about to go on a last-minute Christmas spending spree,” preaches Declan O’Brien. “Over-paying isn’t always a solution to our problems.”
48 min: … but this is better, and gets a few up off their seats. Bowen drives down the right. Then Paqueta dances in from the left, making enough space for a shot. It’s blocked, but that’s so much better. And Manchester United do their bit, too, Shaw making good down the left and standing one up for Fernandes, who heads harmlessly over. More of this, please!
47 min: It’s very quiet at the London Stadium. Eerie.
West Ham get the second half underway. Hopefully it’s a whole lot better than the first. No changes. “Maybe this is just how Man United play now,” argues Stephen Carr. “Maybe we’re witnessing their rebirth – a sort of reverse ‘Jazz Odyssey’.” Puppet Show later.
This is also great. Irons and Red Devils have nothing on this.
Half-time entertainment. In lieu of in-match entertainment.
HALF TIME: West Ham United 0-0 Manchester United
Not a classic. “I decorated my kitchen this morning,” reports Malcolm Shuttleworth. “Anyone who wants to come over and watch the paint dry is very welcome.”
45 min +3: Another free kick, this time for Manchester United, out on the right. Fernandes takes. It’s another poor one. West Ham clear their lines.
45 min +2: Ward-Prowse slings a free kick in from the right. Soucek rises at the far stick but can only flap a header wide left.
45 min +1: Paqueta stands on Mainoo’s foot and it’s a free kick out on the right. Fernandes delivers it low and flat, and it doesn’t beat the first man. West Ham counter through Kudus, who dribbles out of play on the right. But the throw’s awarded to West Ham. Evans has his say, and goes into the book for dissent.
45 min: There will be three added minutes.
44 min: McTominay slips a pass wide right for Antony, who delivers a dangerous low cross through the six-yard box. Hojlund can’t connect and Garnacho can only flip the ball into the side netting. The latter batters his fists into the turf in frustration.
43 min: Kudus is booked for a cynical tug on an in-flight Shaw.
42 min: Emerson hoofs upfield and accidentally catches Fernandes on the ankle with his follow-through. A sore one for the Manchester United captain but after a brief pause he’s OK to continue.
40 min: … nowt. To be fair to Paqueta, whose mistake sparked that whole sequence, he’d got back to block that Garnacho effort.
39 min: Paqueta ships possession in the centre circle, and suddenly Garnacho is tearing clear down the left. Mavropanos statuesque. Garnacho’s shot-cum-cross is deflected out for a corner, from which Mainoo shoots through a crowded box. Areola gets down to save, but mishandles and the ball squirts dangerously close to the bottom left. Just wide. That was nearly a costly howler from the keeper. Just a corner, from which …
37 min: The resulting corner is a waste of time, but that’s better from both teams. Suddenly the game has opened up a little.
36 min: Much better from Kudus here, as he swans away from Antony down the right before sending Bowen into space on the left. Bowen’s low cross, an attempt to return the ball to Kudus in the Manchester United box, is hacked behind by Evans.
