For the three years my partner and I have been engaged, we have tiptoed around the financial elephant in the room: how much should we spend on our wedding? We’re both freelance and our finances fluctuate, so for a long time we did what any tension-averse introverts do and didn’t talk about it.
Eventually – a few months ago – we had The Chat, decided we didn’t need anything flashy to show how in love we are and settled on a small register office affair followed by a party upstairs in a pub. The point is, rule one of keeping a long-term relationship alive when financial burdens hit is good communication.
“The most important thing is transparency,” confirms relationship psychotherapist Vasia Toxavidi. “There needs to be open communication and support and understanding.” Pent-up financial worries, Toxavidi says, can create “anxiety, stress and then depression, which can become almost like a loop” that is difficult to escape from.
Societal pressures and the catalogue of manufactured dreams that is Instagram also play their part, leading to distorted expectations of what your relationship should be like, an illusion brought into sharper focus by money troubles.
“People see certain things happening on social media and they go home and say: ‘Why aren’t you providing for me?’” says Michelle Bassam, a psychological therapist at Harley Therapy in London. “It helps not to have any expectations of each other apart from our basic self-care and being open and truthful. Then why, in moments of financial difficulty, do your expectations of your partner have to change?”
There are also practical ways of lightening the financial burden. “In terms of saving specifically, one of the first things you can look at is where you’re spending the most money,” says Vicky Parry, content editor at moneysaving website Money Magpie. “For a lot of people, aside from rent or mortgage, that would be food. Look for ways in which you can get food cheap – go to Lidl, get a £1.50 veg box, freeze food, use the food-saving apps, create meal plans together.”
If you’re staying in more, the urge might be to load up on even more streaming platforms, but Parry suggests using the LittleBirdie app that “goes through all your subscriptions and finds out which ones you’re using the most. My partner and I cut down £100 a month using that.”
She also recommends the channel Talking Pictures TV, which specialises in classic films, for a romantic night in. “Or, if you want a day out, there are so many good things you can do for free – go to museums, go to the parks. Just be a bit creative.”
In fact, creativity is key when living on a budget. “We don’t need to go out to have fun,” says Bassam. “Being together should always be enough. Have times with no telephones, no television, just each other. Have an indoor picnic, enjoy a shower together, run your partner a bath.” These small acts of kindness can be a great way of showing that you’re in it together.
Another way of cementing that togetherness is to open a joint account. While there are risks involved – both parties are equally responsible for any withdrawals, which could cause problems if one person has a different attitude towards spending, and credit ratings can also be affected – it’s a way of putting that all-important transparency into action.
“Joint accounts work very well because you’ve both got visuals on what’s going on,” says Stephen Page, a chartered financial life planner with Serenity Financial Planning. Joint accounts used as a way of saving, even in small increments, mean you can still have something to look forward to when financial hopes for the future take a knock.
One way to have fun with your partner, for free, at home, is of course to have sex. But as lovely as that can be, financial stresses can quash libidos and dampen sexual appetite. For Bassam, it’s about focusing on intimacy rather than sex. “Intimacy is important because we feel loved and respected and needed at a time of difficulty,” she says. “It’s about enjoying each other’s company and each other’s bodies. It doesn’t have to be sex because stress can cause problems on both sides. It’s about being present: if you are with your partner, it’s not being half on your phone and half with them. It’s remembering the things you used to laugh about and things you want to share in the future.”
Keeping a relationship healthy when money is tight is about recalibrating expectations, being creative, focusing on what’s important and finding fun together. But honesty is the key to unlocking all of the above. “There are three taboos – death, sex and money – and if you’re open and face that conversation about money with your partner then it leads to a deeper and more rewarding relationship,” says Page. “It takes another fear off the table.”
If you’re worried about all the budget chat, the spreadsheets and the cashback apps being the antitheses of romance, then Page has a question for you: “Why wouldn’t being financially secure be sexy?”
