Delphine, 43
There’s a lot of foreplay involved, and a lot of laughter, which is really important for me
Richard and I met 14 years ago. He was my neighbour and things moved very quickly. We’re complete opposites – I’m quite introverted and he’s very extroverted. I think that’s why it works, because we balance each other out. He pushes me to be more spontaneous and fun, and I rein him in a little bit. That’s true of our sexual relationship, too.
Richard could have sex multiple times a day, but for me once or twice a week is quite a lot. I find it almost impossible to orgasm just through penetrative sex, so the first thing he does is make me orgasm through oral or by touch, and then we move on to him. There’s a lot of foreplay involved, and a lot of laughter, which is really important for me.
I recharge my batteries through solitude, whereas for him it’s through physical connection. That’s been something we’ve had to talk a lot about, and learn how we can meet in the middle. It was particularly difficult when I was breastfeeding our two kids. I constantly had this small child on me and I felt very overwhelmed by touch. Richard would want to have sex, and I just couldn’t.
We’ve come to an understanding of who we are. Richard went through a lot of therapy a few years ago, which enabled him to express his needs more openly. So if I don’t want to have sex, he’ll ask if I mind if he masturbates. And I’ll say, “Of course not!” We just laugh about it, which is also a kind of intimacy.
I do worry that we will always be in the situation where he wants more than I can give him. He is adamant he would never want anyone else, but I know he wants to try threesomes, for example, but that’s simply not on for me.
I sometimes feel guilty that I’m stopping him from exploring. We’ve had very frank conversations over the years, which has helped give me the confidence to say what I want. Before, I was very much a people pleaser, but I have to be true to who I am, and I’m not going to do something just to fit into what I think I “should” be doing. Richard is very accepting of that.
Richard, 44
I am quite easily aroused and I find my wife very attractive
I’m quite outgoing and expressive. For me, anything goes in the bedroom. I like to have a lot of sex, and I think over the last few years, having kids and the daily grind has put a dent in that. But we’re still very sexually active and on average it’ll be around once a week.
I would have sex every day, but Delphine has nowhere near as high a sex drive as me. I am quite easily aroused and I find my wife very attractive. It doesn’t take much for me to feel horny – I only need to see her getting dressed in the bedroom or coming out of the shower. So over the 14 years we’ve been together, there’s been a lot of masturbation on my part. Masturbation is great, but I would always rather have sex with Delphine.
I have often felt sexually frustrated. I crave intimacy, and need to feel love through physical touch, so sex is a big part of that. I think we’ve now settled into a rhythm and an understanding, and I accept how things are. When we do have sex, it is great and I absolutely love it. We’ll usually nip upstairs and begin to undress. I’ll go down on her straight away or we may kiss and cuddle for a little bit, and I’ll bring her to orgasm and then it doesn’t take me long to finish.
Delphine needs to be in the right frame of mind to have sex. In the first few years post-kids, of course it was really difficult, particularly for her. But we’re now in a place where we’ve come up for air a little, and are enjoying sex a lot more.
In terms of the quality of the intimacy, it’s better now than it ever has been. And I guess that’s just because we’ve been through so much together. It’s taken time to learn each other’s wants and how to respond to each other, and now we’re having the best sex we’ve ever had. Though it’s still not enough for me.
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