‘There is a sex crisis here. Couples stop having sex after kids’: This is how we do it in Japan | Sex

Aoi, 46

When I was growing up, there was no talk of sex or relationships at home. It was all very secret

Attitudes to sex aren’t very good in Japan – some people find it embarrassing, others obscene. If anything, I think it’s taboo. For most of my life, I never spoke openly about sex. When I was growing up, there was no talk of sex or relationships at home. It was all very secret, and I wasn’t open about being sexually active. Looking back, I think that’s just how I’d learned to be.

Jiro and I have been together for almost seven years. We met at a hippy music festival and had drinks in the hot springs together. We have quite normal sex – oral and then a few of the standard positions like missionary or doggy. It’s not very experimental, but that is not a problem for me. Perhaps it’s my age, but I don’t feel the need to seek special stimulation now.

I’ve heard stories about couples in Japan who are not having sex. In the western media they called it a “sex crisis”. This isn’t talked about openly, but in my view, after having children and being together a long time, some couples do stop having sex. I think that is unnatural, because sex is a natural thing.

You hear stories through friends about people in sexless relationships secretly looking for other sexual partners. As people get older, they gradually lose confidence in themselves, and that’s what they are seeking to regain. I wonder if an open relationship can help with that; the trust it would require will strengthen the relationship. I don’t think we’re at that stage yet, but it’s something I’m thinking about as I get older.

Jiro and I have sex a couple of times a week, and this intimacy is really important for me. For a woman, as you get older, it can feel as if your attractiveness has diminished, and this affects your confidence. Through sex, you can transcend age.

Jiro, 62

We didn’t sleep together the first time we met: to have sex on the first date would have been highly unusual

Aoi and I met six or so years ago and I remember just wanting to get to know her. Maybe it’s my generation, but I think there’s a formality to Japanese relationships. You talk a lot first, get to know each other and then agree to be in a relationship. It’s the man who would normally ask the woman if they can become boyfriend and girlfriend. Aoi and I had seen each other a few times before I asked her. We didn’t sleep together the first time we met: to have sex on the first date would have been highly unusual.

For the past three years we’ve been living in the countryside. We’re both hippies, though in some ways she is more liberated than me – I think she would have an open relationship, whereas I’m not interested. We have a pretty normal sex life; we don’t experiment much or do anything very kinky.

Sex is important to us, of course, and the first year or so we were living together we were having sex every day. Now it’s slightly less, perhaps twice a week, and it lasts about 30 minutes. It will normally be in the evening, after we’ve had a drink. I’d do it in the morning, too, but Aoi doesn’t like doing it then as she’s too tired.

We spent Covid locked down together, and are still with each other almost 24/7. It’s not as if we’re bored with each other, but spending so much time together can be difficult and we do get frustrated. Sex can help calm things down.

People can be quite closed off here; we definitely didn’t talk about sex as children. I learned about sex and relationships by reading teenage magazines. It’s a strange dichotomy, because there is also a subculture around sex: a sleazy underground level. I’ve heard about ear cleaning, where a man will pay a young girl to clean his ear, which is quite a sensitive place. Also a “lucky hole”, where clients stand on one side of a partition with a hole in it and a hostess on the other. I’m not interested in the seedy stuff. It’s too much for me.