Key events
Match report: Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Manchester City
This had become akin to an attacking exercise for City. A Foden attempt was parried by Takac on to the post and Slovan escaped again, as the drummer behind the keeper’s goal led Slovan’s tifosi in endless chants that created a festive atmosphere despite the score. Guardiola was not content, though, with City’s sloppiness, Foden a main culprit, as when losing the ball, forcing Haaland to gallop back to help, the manager wheeling round to grumble to his coaching staff at this.
Match report: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Three years ago Arsenal weren’t even in Europe; now they’re one of the best teams in Europe. David Hytner was at the Emirates to watch them beat PSG.
Match report: Dortmund 7-1 Celtic
The Champions League has a habit of inflicting these inglorious episodes on Celtic. It is difficult to shake the notion that this big fish simply cannot swim when removed from its small domestic pond.
Tomorrow’s fixture list is reasonably mouthwatering, with Aston Villa v Bayern Munich standing out to this weary pair of eyes.
The updated Champions League table
Ignore the bit at the bottom; apparently our automated feed is trolling Celtic.
Full time results
It’s all over in Leverkusen, where the home side have held on to beat Milan 1-0, and that completes our business. There were nine games, 32 goals, a few mismatches and a couple of exciting contests.
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Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
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Barcelona 5-0 Young Boys
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Dortmund 7-1 Celtic
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Inter 4-0 Red Star
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Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
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PSV Eindhoven 1-1 Sporting CP
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Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Manchester City
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Salzburg 0-4 Brest
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Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague
Full time: Dortmund 7-1 Celtic
“Does losing 7-1 to a German team mean Celtic are the Brazil of Europe?” asks Adam Becker.
Full time: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
Another good night for Arsenal, probably their best Champions League victory since they beat Bayern Munich nine years ago. Scott Murray has more.
Full time: Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Man City
Are you not entertained?
87 min: Leverkusen 1-0 Milan Ruben Loftus-Cheek hooks a shot on the turn that is punched away by the keeper Hradecky. Sounds like it’s been all Milan since Leverkusen took the lead.
GOAL! PSV 1-1 Sporting CP (Braganca 84) The Portuguese leaders are level in Eindhoven thanks to the substitute Daniel Braganca. It was a neat finish, volleyed into the roof of the net from a deflected left-wing cross.
Actually, replays suggest he might have shinned it, not that he’ll care.
83 min: Leverkusen 1-0 AC Milan Theo Hernandez hits the bar with a deflected long-range, and the substitute Alvaro Morata heads the rebound just wide. Eek, that was a terrific chance.
Newcastle have beaten AFC Wimbledon 1-0 in the Carabao Cup. Fabian Schar scored a penalty just before half-time; the stats (77 per cent possession, 20 shots to none) suggest a deceptively comfortable win.
The latest scores
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Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
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Barcelona 5-0 Young Boys
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Dortmund 7-1 Celtic
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Inter 4-0 Red Star
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Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
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PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
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Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Manchester City
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Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
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Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Barcelona 5-0 Young Boys (Camara own goal 81)
GOAL! Inter 4-0 Red Star (Taremi 82 pen) After a VAR review that went on for a couple of millennia, Mehdi Taremi scores from the spot to put Inter 4-0 ahead.
GOAL! Dortmund 7-1 Celtic (Nmecha 79)
The substitute Felix Nmecha has made it S-I-E-B-E-N for Dortmund, slamming a loose ball into the net from 15 yards.
Most of the matches are petering out, though Milan are pushing hard for an equaliser in Leverkusen. Xabi Alonso is happy to cut his clo- oh lordy, hang on.
72 min: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
PSG have the aura of a team who suddenly fancy getting back into this, and the denizens of the Emirates sense it. The first half was comfortable for the hosts; the second, despite the scoreline, doesn’t feel the same.
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Man City (McAtee 74)
The substitute James McAtee gets his first Champions League goal, emphatically finishing a lovely move that involved Lewis, Foden and about half the team.
“Hi Rob,” says Peter Oh, and here it comes folks. “Celtic are getting licked like an envelope!”
The value of the exclamation mark, right there.
GOAL! Inter 3-0 Red Star (Lautaro Martinez 72) Look, not every game can be infused with jeopardy! Mehdi Taremi gets his second pressing-based assist, winning the ball before playing in Lautaro Martinez to make it three.
“As soon as I saw that Brendan Rogers had been talking next levels before Dortmund had been played,” begins Ian Copestake, “I began to have recurring visions of envelopes.”
I felt sorry for Brendon over that business. Lord Ferg did a similar thing 19 years earlier and everyone said he was a genius fae Govan.
68 min: Dortmund 6-1 Celtic “Welp,” says James Humphries, “my (Celtic-supporting) mate had a bet on there being seven goals in it; but cashed out at half time, so I imagine he’s adopting the foetal position about now.”
His internal monologue in the 120 seconds preceding that decision would make for a cracking little radio play.
GOAL! Dortmund 6-1 Celtic (Guirassy 66)
Serhou Guirassy makes it 6-1 to Dortmund with a lovely, slick finish.
The good news for Brendan Rodgers is that Celtic’s heaviest European defeat is 7-0; the bad news is he was the manager then as well.
The latest scores
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Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
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Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys
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Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
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Inter 2-0 Red Star
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Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
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PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
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Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Manchester City
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Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
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Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Inter 2-0 Red Star (Arnautovic 59) Marko Arnautovic gets his first goal of the season, sliding the ball in from 10 yards after Mehdi Taremi won the ball on the edge of the area and then picked him out with a low pass.
59 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Man City Erling Haaland has done his business for the night. walking round the keeper after running onto a deadly through ball from Rico Lewis. The defending was, a-hem, imperfect but that’s not City’s problem.
GOAL! Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Man City (Haaland 58)
Look, not every game can be infused with jeopardy.
Boniface’s effort means we’ve had at least one goal in all nine Champions League games. And here’s the proof.
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Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
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Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys
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Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
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Inter 1-0 Red Star
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Leverkusen 1-0 Milan
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PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
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Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
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Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
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Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
GOAL! Leverkusen 1-0 Milan (Boniface 52)
For the second time tonight, Victor Boniface scores the opening goal. The first goal was disallowed for offside in the build-up; this one counts despite Milan appealing for offside again. Frimpong’s shot was saved and Boniface helped himself to the rebound from four yards.
GOAL! Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys (Lewandowski 51) Two for Robert Lewandowski, four for Barcelona. It was another simple close-range finish after Martinez headed a corner back across the face of goal.
Nuttin but a number
Peep peep! Half two or Matchday Two (Evening One) is under way.
I’m off to put drops in my eyes. No, Oz, not those drops. Here’s some half-time reading to lighten the mood.
Half time
A very good half for Arsenal and Dortmund, a stroll in Slovakia for City. And an abject nightmare for Celtic. These are the half-time scores.
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Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain
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Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys
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Dortmund 5-1 Celtic
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Inter 1-0 Red Star
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Leverkusen 0-0 Milan
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PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP
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Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City
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Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)
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Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)
“It was a penalty because he was kicked after the ball had gone,” says Andy Flintoff. “Theatrical falls aside, that’s exactly what the referee would have seen to give it. Hope that helps.”
Well, I haven’t had chance to analyse it to the nth degree because I’m trying to cover seven games and my eyes stopped working properly after that flurry of goals around 8.10pm, but contact doesn’t always warrant a penalty. Maybe it did on this occasion, maybe it didn’t. When did we all – and I include myself in this, hence the words ‘we’ and ‘all’ – become so humourlessly certain?
