Imagine having a job you couldn’t quit. One that means you’re under constant pressure to be perfect, to overachieve and to please everyone at once, even when you’re completely overwhelmed.
Sound familiar? Then, like me, you might have eldest-daughter syndrome; congratulations on losing the birth-order lottery! It might not be an official medical condition, but “eldest=daughter syndrome” is the term we oldest siblings have been searching for our whole lives to describe the expectations and pressures we felt growing up—and still do. Social media is rife with women comparing notes (of course we take them, we’re eldest daughters) and complaining about how we deserve financial compensation. “Being an eldest daughter is like an unpaid internship for the rest of your life,” wrote one on X. Or, as another woman put it, “Are u OK or are u the eldest daughter?”
I have two younger sisters who are also twins, yet I still can’t get a diagnosis. No fair. There are four years between us, which means nothing now, but growing up it seemed like a huge gap. When I was drinking my first Alcopops and going on dates, they were still playing with dolls. I didn’t feel like a second mother, as some eldest daughters do, but there was a responsibility there: to set an example, blaze a trail, and be a role model.
I was acutely aware that my parents tended to be stricter with me. There was an expectation that I would focus on my studies and not give in to distractions, whereas my younger sisters were allowed to get part-time jobs if they so wished. There was a sense that my role was to excel at school, get impressive grades, and go to a good university–for myself, of course, but also to motivate my sisters to follow in my footsteps.
Put simply, as an eldest daughter, you’re held to higher standards than your younger siblings, and then you wonder why, in adult life, you can’t let go of the need to be “perfect” all the time. You have ambition and drive, but are never satisfied with what you achieve. You struggle to enjoy what you already have. You’re extremely diligent but rarely feel rewarded for it. You try to control situations before they’ve even started to go downhill. Now, try being an eldest daughter and a Capricorn: see my problem?
