As speculation swirls on his AFL future, Melbourne superstar Christian Petracca has opened up on his mental health battles and revealed the shocking moment fiancee Bella learned he could die during surgery.
The 28-year-old is no certainty to remain at the Demons after reiterating his frustrations with the club during his exit interview on Monday.
Petracca has remained silent for several weeks but has now returned to the spotlight with the release of a podcast recorded on August 9 — just days before the first reports that he was disgruntled and could consider requesting a trade.
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Pettacca has struggled with his mental health since suffering a life-threatening injury when he copped an errant knee in Melbourne’s clash with Collingwood on King’s Birthday.
In addition to the lacerated spleen he suffered four broken ribs and a punctured lung, and spent nearly a week in ICU after undergoing emergency surgery.
Those moments under the knife continue to haunt Petracca.
“The surgery in general was probably a really traumatic experience,” he told LiSTNR’s The Howie Games.
“Being awake for it, internal bleeding, wasn’t able to be put to sleep under anaesthetic — I can think of every single thing that happened through that time.
“Couldn’t feel (being cut) but I remember lashing out to the surgeon and got quite claustrophobic.”
Petracca said he remembers giving his fiancee’s phone number to the surgeon at 3am.
“I didn’t know at the time, I was drugged up, but Bella came to the ICU the next day and basically said that at three in the morning we got the number off the surgeon because he called to say (Petracca) might not make it basically.”
“‘He’s in critical condition, because there was internal bleeding and everything, so he’s in serious and critical condition.’
“For me, it was more that that hit home rather than the actual injury itself.”
Petracca insists he will be back to his best on a physical level but the mental scars are still healing.
“At the time I was on just medication and I’m out of surgery, so (I was thinking) this is great, get me some food,” he said.
“But you look at Bella’s face and think far out this must’ve been way more serious than what I initially interpreted it as.
“Ever since then the last six or seven weeks have been really tough on both of us. She’s been amazing for me, since I first met her but just through this experience.”
Petracca said he feels like he has “insomnia”.
“To be honest, I can’t sleep because of stuff like that. I’m having to see a trauma psych to deal with what’s going on,” he said.
“(I’m talking through) a lot of stuff. The self-doubt, the trauma, not the incident, just the trauma and stress of everything. I’ve been in and out of hospital three or four times through emergency.”
He said it is difficult “constantly getting asked” how he is going at a time when he is still reliving the ordeal.
“I think about it every day, which is something I’ll eventually get over,” Petracca said.
“So mentally I’m struggling a little bit, but I know that the work I put in mentally with all my mindfulness and meditation and surrounding myself around good people, no doubt I’ll be fine.
“I think you’ve just got to understand what I’m experiencing is quite raw and a unique experience.
“(I’m) trying to find a silver lining in everything. ‘Did this happen for a reason? How can I find the positives out of it in a really tough situation?’
“Being able to spend time with my loved ones, with Bella, being able to do more cooking and things on social media. When you see those images of my mum and my partner hugging me — we’re all a son, a brother, and a partner to someone, at the end of the day, we’re just human beings.
“Footy is just one part of our life and we’ve got other avenues that we probably focus more on to be honest. Footy’s just the thing that we love because we loved doing it growing up.”
Petracca spent time away from the club during his recovery, with news emerging during his holiday to Noosa that he was unhappy with the Demons and could weigh up a move.
Melbourne have insisted Petracca, who is under contract until 2029, will not be traded but there are still more questions than answers.
“It’s understood Petracca reiterated his frustrations with the club today and refused to guarantee staying to see out his five-year contract, something the club was hoping would happen,” 7NEWS Melbourne’s Mitch Cleary said on Monday.
“Melbourne says he won’t be traded, but it won’t stop Petracca doing work on a potential suitor before he officially demands a move.”
The Norm Smith medallist immersed himself back into the club last week but is still a long way off from joining in on training.
Teammate Steven May said last week’s address to the players was Petracca’s first chance to explain why he took time away from the club.
“He was pretty emotional,” May told Channel 7 last Friday.
“It was more so about, he had spoken to the club about (the fact that) he needed some time off, and I think we might have been on an away game that week, so he didn’t get a chance to speak to us himself.
“He just pretty much stood up and told us exactly what he’s going through. He hasn’t missed a game (before his injury) in I don’t know how long — you take that away from someone and it can really take a big toll on you, so he needed some time away, and he pretty much just opened up to us about how he’d been feeling, how he’d been struggling.
“Mental health looks different for everyone, there’s no ‘one size fits all’.
“Some people might be better to be at the club, be involved in a coaching aspect, or some people need to get away and get out of Melbourne.
“It was just good to get some clarity on that.”
