All relationships take work to help them function healthily – but what can you do when bonds urgently need repairing? Here’s advice from therapists on how to build better connections with everyone in your life, from your mother to your manager.
Communication is key
Joanna Harrison is a couples therapist who has a private clinic and works for Tavistock Relationships. “Often what I see as problems brewing are resentments that come up,” she says. “They will find their way to communicate themselves, even in the most domestic things.” Harrison has just had an argument with her partner about shoe polishing: “It was so not about shoes,” she laughs. One way to tackle this is by getting curious about each other’s mental load, she suggests, as a lot of people feel they’ve got responsibility for something in the relationship that their partner doesn’t acknowledge or isn’t grateful for. “Whether it is to do with parenting, financial concerns or just thinking about the relationship, if those things aren’t recognised by a partner, that really builds up resentment.”
Make time to talk
As a former divorce lawyer, Harrison brings a unique perspective to the therapy room. If splitting up is inevitable, Harrison helps to navigate it in “a more considered way”, but to avoid getting to this point, she says the first step is carving out time to talk about your problems. “We all get so busy, and time to talk about a relationship is often spontaneous, which can mean conflict,” she says. Instead, set aside time to check in with each other, especially if things feel difficult. “I think that is why people come to therapy, to ringfence time and space to be reflective about what is going on.”
Listen to and acknowledge the other person’s feelings
“People think that if they come to therapy we are going to come up with some magic solution to their problems,” says Harrison. “What actually happens is that people feel acknowledged for their feelings and their points of view. People in relationships don’t have to agree with each other for it to work, but if they don’t acknowledge that the other person has an opinion, then it’s a constant battle. You don’t need to agree who is right. You need to show recognition of where the other one is coming from.” One technique Harrison encourages is for each person to say how they are feeling and for the other one to repeat this back, to show that it has been acknowledged.
Be yourself within relationships
“The biggest problem I find that brings people to my therapy office is they edit themselves,” says Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist, author of more than 20 books and host of the podcast The Meaningful Life. “Sometimes it might not be worth having a fight about how often you clean the toilet, or perhaps it helps to live more peacefully together if you swallow some of your irritation about how your partner hums when they are walking around the apartment. But there comes a point where, if you are editing your feelings so as not to upset somebody, or because every time you do try to bring your feelings out you get stamped on, you become less and less of yourself. Or over time, you begin to become a person that your partner doesn’t know. You think they’re not really going to care about your new interest in meditation, for example, and so you don’t talk to them about it, and you’re actually moving away from them. Don’t edit.”
Report rather than act out any issues
Reporting, Marshall explains, is when you say, “‘I am annoyed when you walk around humming’. You are not saying ‘I’m annoyed with you all the time’, rather ‘I’m just annoyed with you about this’.” This is important because they might be guessing the wrong thing is winding you up unless you tell them. Acting out, he says, “is when you don’t speak about all of this, but it just drives you up the wall, until finally the dam breaks, and then you snap at them about the humming. It is never going to go well when you’re doing it from a moment of anger or frustration.”
Embrace arguing (occasionally)
Harrison knows all about this, having written a book called Five Arguments All Couples (Need to) Have. “Conflict has an amazing potential to bring people closer,” she says, because issues can be raised that need attention. “They are the things that each person in a relationship cares about, if they’re arguing about it. It’s usually not during the argument that the good stuff comes, but it might be afterwards when perhaps someone has understood something a bit better. You can then revisit the argument and say: ‘What was that really all about?’ Then suddenly you might have access to these layers of the real thing that was going on, and there is potential for greater intimacy.”
Lower your expectations of others
“The thing that gets in the way of us having good relationships with any family member is our expectations of them,” says psychotherapist Philippa Perry, who is an Observer advice columnist and author of the bestselling The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did). This is a particular stumbling block when it comes to some sibling relationships, she says, where people tend to think: you were brought up in the same family, so why don’t you think and feel like I do? With parents, we know they have had different experiences to us, says Perry, but this can still cause friction. “They come from a time before we were born that we don’t know about, and that has shaped them and given them experiences and beliefs that possibly we don’t share. You’ve got to imagine where they’re coming from with what they’re telling you, and they haven’t realised that the world has changed.”
This can be easier said than done in the heat of the moment, says Perry: “Don’t have expectations that people will be other than who they are … If your mother is 100% Mrs Critical, that is who she is. Don’t expect her to suddenly be a glass half-full-person. Her previous experiences have taught her that it feels safe to think the worst of everything and everyone, and we need to have a bit of compassion for that.”
“If I was to say to my parents, ‘I think I’m going to write a book,’ they might say, ‘Oh, that’s terribly difficult’,” says Perry. “It is like they are passing their fear of failure on to you. But they are also trying to protect you. You have to remember they are coming from a place of love, even if it doesn’t sound like that sometimes.”
If you aren’t close to family, don’t force it
“In all the best relationships,” says Perry, “there is mutual impact and we change each other all the time. That is the key to a close relationship. But if your parents aren’t good at allowing influence, you’re not going to be close, unless you think like they do about everything.” You don’t need to worry too much about this, she says. “There’s nothing to say that you have to be joined at the hip. If you don’t feel particularly close to your parents, and you dread going to see them, then you might want to consider seeing them less, rather than thinking you have to put yourself through it.” Although, you may risk being cut out of the will, she says.
Say sorry when necessary
In Perry’s book, she advises apologising to children when you lose your temper or get stuff wrong. Being able to say sorry when you’ve acted badly is key to any functioning relationship and yet it is something that many of us avoid. “It does not annihilate you to say, ‘I reacted badly to that. I’m sorry.’ When we model that behaviour, we get it back,” she says.
Accept that relationships with children often aren’t what we hoped for
Being a parent “is a really strange role”, says Dr Emma Svanberg, a clinical psychologist who provides therapy at The Psychology Co-operative and is author of Parenting for Humans: How to Parent the Child You Have, As the Person You Are. “Simultaneously, we are expected to put that role above all else, while not bringing it into the other roles in our lives. And all of this in a context where parenting is lauded and not supported.”
This runs alongside the sometimes difficult task of accepting the child you have: “There may be times where we might not like aspects of their behaviour or personality, and we might also have moments of hating them. Ambivalence is a part of parenting – we might have moments of love as well as hate; joy as well as grief. Sometimes all at the same time. Accepting these emotions can allow us more space to see our children as who they are.”
When faced with really challenging behaviour, look back
It can be overwhelming looking for answers among the innumerable parenting strategies and styles out there. When times are really tough, Svanberg says, “look back on things that remind you that this is a sacred relationship. Look at a sonogram and remember all the things you felt when you knew you were going to become a parent to this child, or look at baby photos and notice the unique things that have always been present in your child. This can help us to zoom out of tricky moments, remember the essence of who this person is, and help us refocus on the relationship we want to build.”
Reboot yourself before you try to reboot a relationship
After an argument with a child, before you even try to make amends, “connecting with yourself first can help,” says Svanberg, “so you’re feeling grounded, energised and robust rather than run ragged and in need of the ‘fix’. This means you’ve prepared yourself to be able to hold whatever emotions they might have about the disconnection, without your own getting in the way.” Having a break from the parenting role, where possible, is crucial too.
Schedule planning meetings
Svanberg explains there is often the potential for friction over family logistics, especially as children get older and need running around all over the place, along with having a growing need for power and autonomy. So the perfect solution is to have a family meeting. “I often suggest having a weekly meeting,” says Svanberg, “where you can go through what needs to happen in the week. Your kids can be involved in this too. There are really helpful tools now to help you figure out who does what. This is, to me, an essential part of co-parenting as we hear from so many parents who are stressed and resentful due to inequity in the household and this can have a profound impact on relationships in the family.”
Don’t expect problems to be resolved quickly
“Because most people don’t like conflict,” says Marshall, “we want to try to get it over and done with and out the door as quickly as possible. So we have a 15-minute conversation, whereas the real issues that couples have problems with – she earns more than he does, or he doesn’t like her mother – are going to take some time to find a way through. So the expectation you are going to solve them quickly and easily is the wrong one. Give yourself time. You can come back to it over and over again.”
Avoid fighting over who is right or wrong
“I’ve been doing this for almost 40 years,” says Marshall, “and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to people having an ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’ argument”. Nobody has ever solved anything this way, he says. “All that happens is somebody will throw something else in, or they’ll find an example of the one time the other person was wrong. And we just go round and round in circles. However much you believe that your views are right, your partner believes just as much that their beliefs are right, too. You need to understand the position of each other better; then you can both soften and a third way will emerge. ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ battles destroy relationships.”
Work out what you can change yourself
“It is easy to come up with 100 reasons why your partner should change, and much harder to come up with one about why you should,” says Marshall. “My number one question to people is: what could you do differently? Because you know that is within your grasp. The 100 things your partner could do differently are not.”
Consider whether friendships are worth salvaging
Friendships are perhaps one of the most important relationships of all, says Sam Owen, a relationship coach, psychologist and author of Happy Relationships: “Even just one supportive friendship can boost our resilience, wellbeing and happiness, and decrease stress, anxiety and loneliness.”
How can you reconnect with someone if you feel like you are drifting? First, says Owen, “you must be sure you haven’t grown apart with good reason – for example, that it wasn’t because you realised, albeit subconsciously, that this relationship was no longer right for you. If you know that you absolutely want this friend back in your life, then plan what you are going to say before texting or calling so that you feel calm and clear-headed rather than apprehensive and unsure. Arrange to speak over the phone or meet up so that you can actually begin the process of rebuilding the relationship; text messages back and forth won’t provide that opportunity. Pick something you both enjoy doing so that it’s an environment conducive to connecting and growing.
“If you need to address anything to remove the awkwardness, address it head on, compassionately and respectfully, fully owning anything you need to apologise for, even if just the lack of effort you’ve made with them, and explain why, so that they know you are not merely communicating hollow sentiments,” Owen says. “Proactively make ongoing plans with them so that you can keep rebuilding. And pay mindful attention to the signals you’re receiving back so that if the effort they put in along the way is not mutual, then you know whether or not you still want to keep trying to rekindle the friendship.”
In the workplace, treat others as you wish to be treated
How can you go about fostering better relationships with those at work, from colleagues to your line manager? “Understand that you can be compassionate with others even if you don’t want to be best friends with them,” advises Owen. “That can mean giving colleagues some of your time, attention and kindness and not for anything to be received in return other than mutual respect and compassion. Remember that you may not know much about them and what they are going through or have been through in their lives, given you are acquaintances rather than friends. Be patient, don’t take things personally (without good reason to), and empower them to perform their best, helping them where appropriate but not at the detriment of yourself. When you empower them, it will create goodwill between you, a nicer work environment for you both and, as a bonus, they will hopefully return your kindness one day, too.”
