Others still are just naturally charismatic, and enjoy engaging in what they consider to be harmless fun. “For some, it adds a spark to life, making them feel desirable and confident,” says Bray. “They may call it ‘innocent’ because it isn’t meant to go anywhere beyond a little ego boost or playful interaction.”
However, it’s worth noting that most experts say flirting is, by definition, never purely innocent: “There’s always intention behind flirting, and anything that has intention behind it is not innocent,” says psychotherapist Adrienne L. Marshall. “Whether you’re trying to get something you want, trying to be perceived in a certain way, or trying to signal you find someone attractive, flirting has a purpose.”
That doesn’t mean that flirting is always negative or wrong, however. “Some couples might get a thrill from watching their partner flirt or be flirted with,” therapist Lauren Auer points out.
When flirting goes too far
What seems “innocent” to one person may not appear that way to the next. While the person initiating the flirting may have zero interest in pursuing a deeper connection, the same is not necessarily true for the person on the receiving end. “Flirting can arouse emotions such as delight, craving, passion, and longing,” Marshall says. “And once those emotions enter into the dynamic, they can be hard to curb.”
This is where flirting can become a slippery slope. “Flirting crosses the line when it shifts from playful interaction to a situation where someone is seeking something more—a deeper emotional connection or potential physical intimacy,” says Bray.
Furthermore, if flirting makes your partner uncomfortable, “it’s already gone past the innocent stage,” she says.
Is flirting cheating?
A person may be uncomfortable with their partner’s flirting, but when does it go from merely frustrating to an example of infidelity? It really depends on the relationship—and how you and your partner define cheating.
Infidelity, like flirting, is subjective. Even people who study it disagree on its parameters—and infidelity has been studied a lot. In one analysis, the definitions among researchers ranged from “any failure to love, honor, and support your partner” to “any action done in secrecy” to “any behavior that isn’t condoned by your partner”—secret or not. “Generally, infidelity is defined as any type of emotional, sexual, or romantic behavior that violates the exclusivity that romantic relationships have by definition,” the researchers concluded.
