The tabloids have been alight with rumors about a possible J.Lo–Ben Affleck breakup over the past few days, and as a child of divorce, I personally do not feel ready to weather a second Bennifer split. Then again, one could argue that these two celebrities’ romantic lives are not necessarily about me.
Nevertheless, in honor of all that they share, I’m diving into perhaps their least successful collaboration of all time: the 2003 mob rom-com Gigli, about which nothing can really be said except: Why? Below, find all my thoughts about the Razzies classic:
- I love an opening Ben Affleck voiceover.
- This one isn’t as good as the one in Gone Girl, but at least he drops an F-bomb.
- Look at him with his slicked-back hair and shirt!
- Oh, LOL, I forgot he’s threatening a guy over money.
- And maybe killing him?
- Man, the LA mob. You don’t hear so much about that anymore.
- Now my brain is just filling in what would happen if various Sopranos episodes were set in LA, like when they all go west in Sex and the City because Carrie’s column is being optioned.
- Okay, this guy comes up with the money and saves himself a fate of being…permanent pressed? In a dryer?
- Okay, Ben is the titular Gigli.
- I’m sorry, is the plot of this movie really that Gigli has to kidnap a young man with intellectual disabilities?
- Writer and director Martin Brest, you are not seeing heaven.
- I’m more or less going to ignore this plotline because it’s bumming me out.
- LMAO, J.Lo’s here! And she’s a girl mobster!
- I just cannot get over Ben Affleck with Danny Zuko hair.
- Why is J.Lo doing a baby voice?
- Wow, this escalated into everyone yelling at each other over dinner very quickly.
- “You don’t have a book” is quite a drag of Ben Affleck.
- To paraphrase John Waters, if you go home with someone and they don’t have books, leave.
- I mean, I’m sure the real Ben owns books, even if they’re all about the history of Boston or whatever.
- Obsessed with Ben Affleck’s cross tattoo (which I have to believe is fake; the real actor doesn’t have ink that poorly sketched, does he?).
- Oop, J.Lo’s a lesbian, shut it all down.
- OMG, Christopher Walken!
- Now we’re talking, Mafia-movie-wise.
- Has Ben’s hair gotten bigger since the last scene? Okay, Tracy Turnblad!
- Is there an LA Mafia rule that you can only wear bowling shirts?
- I want J.Lo to threaten to remove my eyeball.
- Obsessed with her cheeky little denim mini!
- Aw, in classic mobster tradition, Ben Affleck has an annoying ma.
- OMG, it’s the mom from My Big Fat Greek Wedding!
- Wow, J.Lo and Ben’s mom vibing out about lesbianism is a mood.
- Is this weird yoga scene supposed to be sexy?
- Oh God, J.Lo and Ben are supposed to send the thumb of the guy they kidnapped to his brother (who, BTW, is a big-deal federal prosecutor whom Ben’s Mafia boss is blackmailing), but they’re too nice to…maim a man with intellectual disabilities?
- Wow, what sweethearts.
- Oh shit, J.Lo’s mean blonde girlfriend shows up and gets pissed at her for allegedly sleeping with “A MAN,” even though she didn’t.
- Lesbian breakup!
- J.Lo and Ben steal a thumb from a cadaver, which I guess is the harm-reduction option, and send it on to the Mafia boss.
- Ben is having a meltdown about J.Lo being an “untouchable, un-haveable” lesbian, although he uses slightly more colorful invective. Sucks to suck!
- And just like that, Ben and J.Lo are hooking up.
- See, if you just talk really persuasively to a lesbian, we’ll change our minds.
- I will admit that these two always did have pretty good chemistry, despite the execrable quality of this movie’s writing.
- Is that Al Pacino???
- Al Pacino—who’s the ultimate mob boss, by the way—explains that he never ordered the plan to kidnap the prosecutor’s brother. Uh-oh.
- Al Pacino kills Ben’s interim boss, but J.Lo manages to talk him out of killing them, too, and they release the thumb guy.
- Not J.Lo saying that she’s not usually into men but “somehow, you got through.”
- Has anyone in this movie ever heard of bisexuality?!
- J.Lo ditches Ben, but then she comes back to him at the last minute.
- Well, that was a romp of sorts, if not necessarily a GLAAD-award-earning one.
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