42 Thoughts I Had Watching Zach Braff’s Rom-Com ‘French Girl’

Like most millennials, I have complicated feelings about Zach Braff. While I’ve watched Scrubs all the way through multiple times and listened to the Garden State soundtrack more often than I care to admit, I wasn’t entirely rooting for him and Florence Pugh when they were together (though I do agree with Pugh that we should leave women alone about their consensual romantic endeavors). That said, when I learned that Braff recently starred in a French (or, rather, French-Canadian), bisexual, food-centered rom-com that the New York Times memorably referred to as “Cuckold Au Vin,” I was intrigued, to say the least.

Below, find everything I thought while watching French Girl.

1. Kooky French-speaking girl, neurotic American guy chasing her…is this just 2 Days in Paris with a queer element? Because I won’t necessarily be mad if it is.
2. Oof, rookie move, Zach Braff…never make eggs Benedict at home. It will take you seven hours and it will not be remotely as good as the one made by the rando brunch place around the corner.
3. Seeing Zach Braff age is reminding me that I, too, am aging, but that’s okay. Who doesn’t love a little memento mori with their rom-com?
4. How do I get my hair like Evelyne Brochu’s?
5. We love to see a New Yorker biking with a helmet on! (This is one of my nerdiest causes.)
6. Okay, sorry, back to the hair…surely a hair tie would be of use while you’re sampling fruit at a farmer’s market? Or does this chef just get long, blond strands in everything and nobody minds because she’s so beautiful?
7. VANESSA HUDGENS!
8. Evelyne (I’m going to use her actual name because her character’s name is, like, Sophie-Mignonette or something preposterous) has been offered a chance to interview at a fancy restaurant, and it’s interfering with her and Zach’s trip upstate.
9. Speaking of names, why is Zach’s character’s name…Gordon?
10. Aw, Zach has a fear of flying, but he’s going to conquer it to accompany Evelyne to her big interview uninvited (mistake).
11. Uh-oh, Vanessa Hudgens—who is, to be clear, playing a celebrity restaurateur—shows up to dinner, also uninvited and looking hot as hell.
12. Oh no, Evelyne’s dad might have to sell the farm!
13. Can’t say I care for Evelyne’s snug mustard yellow polo shirt.
14. Zach snoops in Evelyne’s old room while she’s out and finds out that she and Vanessa Hudgens did, in fact, happen to be more than friends once upon a time. I’m sure he’ll be normal about this!
15. Ooh, molecular gastronomy vibes.
16. I feel like we need to talk about this: Why is everyone in the fancy food world obsessed with foam? Foam…is foam! It has no taste! How did it come to exert culinary hegemony over every other substance?
17. Okay, this whole “American sad about cooking and eating lamb” bit was definitely in 2 Days in Paris (except I think it was rabbit).
18. LMAO at Evelyne’s brother telling Zach: “You look like a dentist.”
19. Uh-oh, the brother spills the beans about Vanessa cheating and breaking Evelyne’s heart.
20. I want to drink a wine that’s “arrogant, yet subtle.”
21. So Vanessa is a very famous food-world girlie who’s also…starting a makeup line? I’d buy it, TBH.
22. Okay, the sexual tension between Evelyne and Vanessa is very real.
23. God, if I were these older French Canadian women, I would very badly want Zach to shut up and let me play cards.
24. Quebecois fight club time!
25. Vanessa’s show is called Ruby in Your Pantry? Unfortunately, I’d watch.
26. We need more hot, mean, queer chefs in the world, IMO.
27. The grandma with dementia has a hold of the ring Zach wants to propose to Evelyne with and won’t give it back. (This is a boring subplot, so that’s really all you need to know, in my opinion.)
28. Oh no, Vanessa busts up Zach and Evelyne’s big romantic night out!
29. I would rather not picture an “emaciated dolphin,” thanks.
30. OMG, the grandma died?
31. Okay, this whole getting-the-ring-back-post-death thing is a bit of a stretch for a “zany side caper.”
32. Let Vanessa Hudgens sing!
33. Better than Céline? Nobody ever could be, sorry.
34. Vanessa’s doing a shoot with Evelyne’s family, despite Zach’s best attempts to get it canceled on account of grieving.
35. Duck hunt!
36. How does Vanessa Hudgens look so good in duck-hunting pants?
37. Vanessa gives Evelyne the job at the fancy restaurant, and Zach drunkenly talks absolute shit about it in a way that is genuinely delightful to me (though, understandably, not to Evelyne).
38. Classic running-to-the-restaurant-to-proclaim-undying-love moment.
39. Evelyne sees Vanessa’s true colors and punches her in the face, which is correct.
40. I don’t really get this Zach Braff-led police chase, but I like it.
41. Aw, hospital engagement!
42. A year later, they’re living in Quebec; Zach is teaching, Evelyne is cooking, and even Zach’s grumpy dad has traveled to meet the family. Cute!