100% That Bitch: My (Brief) Life as a Show Dog for Rachel Antonoff and Susan Alexandra

The gossip backstage—which was the garden area at St. Ann’s Warehouse in Dumbo—was that all of the human models were intriguing individuals, but from my vantage point I was mostly seeing Crocs, which looked a lot like my Kong chew toy. The two humans seated on the dais, Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak, both with long curly hair that any doodle would die for, were the emcees. I wondered if they would share their groomer’s name.

I had some competition, but honestly, I thought it would come in the form of Shoshanna, Hannah, Jessa, and Marnie—the quartet of pointer terrier puppies named for a TV show some humans found formative, but seemed to me to be full of helpless humans I would not want to be adopted by. When Larry and I trotted out I did hear a lot of cooing from the front row, including from would-be first daughter Ella Emhoff. (And, yes, I did for a moment imagine my life at the White House: I would be so much better behaved than Commander.)

So, when this Bridget woman decided I was only second best, after Elmer, I was a bit taken aback. I mean, fine, Elmer is a robust bulldog wearing a pasta puffer—and obviously I love farfalle—but a puffer does not a winner make, am I right? Anyway, I’m not trying to stage a stop-the-steal situation, I just want to be heard. (My howl can be piercing.) And while I don’t want the life of a show dog, I just think the cards were in my and Larry’s favor, and want that noted somewhere for posterity. As Fred Willard says in Best in Show, the canine Casablanca: “I don’t think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded like that.” I agree, but I do think I could get used to this Iris Apfel level of accessorizing.